When it comes to billing lawyers may be stars. But sex? Well according to lawyer and AbovetheLaw contributor Gary J Ross, lawyers ARE good at sex.
So is Mr Ross pulling our leg about legal libido, or is there something in this?
Lawyers. We’re good at a lot of things. Billing. Legal analysis. Dressing (perhaps). Alcoholism. Berating underlings. And, of course, sex. Why is it lawyers are so good at sex?
We’re good at billing because that’s how we get paid. We’re good at legal analysis because we spent three years learning how to do it, plus however many years we’ve been a lawyer. We’re good at dressing because in our business, a lot of times you have to look successful to be successful. We’re good at alcoholism because whether you’re Biglaw or SmallLaw, being a lawyer is ideal for alcoholics.
But why are lawyers so good at sex?
So what theories does Mr Ross put forward as to the sexual prowess of lawyers?
Well, he doesn’t seem to be struggling.
• We know the value of time. Law is one of the oldest professions, and like other older professions, we get paid by the hour. Anybody who gets paid by the hour is never going to be in a hurry to finish. And lawyers, we can make something that could last only a few minutes go for hours and hours. Oh, you thought I was only going to bill 30 minutes for that? Au contraire. Hours, baby. Hours.
• We know the importance of good preparation. Good preparation greatly increases the odds of a successful result. We’re not going to make a phone call or go into a meeting or take a deposition without adequate preparation, including deconstructing briefs. As lawyers, we’re trained in how to lay a foundation for what’s coming later.
• We know the power of talk. Talk can really make a difference. And talk is what lawyers do more than anything, right? After a few years of continuously getting clients out of tight spots, you learn which words work the best. When to be forceful. And when to speak softly. ::somehow fighting off the urge to make a big stick joke…::
• We’re used to asking for permission to withdraw. And it’s considered unethical to withdraw without adequate notice. We even have rules about it!
• We always have junior people ready to step in. The older you are, the more you know what you’re doing, but hey, sometimes us older folks get worn out! But if we’re senior enough and good enough, whenever we’re tired and ready to go to sleep, we can always make a youngster stay up late and finish the job.
• Clients continually want us to get them off. I think I’ll leave this one alone. In fact, maybe I should wrap this up.
Whether the Ross contribution to sexual analysis is worthy of the description or not is something we will have to leave to readers.